


Monster

by Blissaster



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Codependency, Friendship, Gen, Male-Female Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-29 19:18:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19026259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blissaster/pseuds/Blissaster
Summary: Killing because it was kill or be killed situation was one thing, but to feel satisfaction for hurting others... She did not think too much about how she felt back then.But now... Now there was no enemies left, Caleb was healed, and she was alone with her thoughts, she could not stop thinking about it. The mix of satisfaction and hatred in her chest when the soldier screamed and thrashed in pain.For the first time, she was happy to kill someone.Does that make me a monster?she wondered, burying her face in her hands.More of a monster than I already am?





	Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Warning is just a precaution. The battle scene is no more gory than canon. But if you're particularly squeamish... You can skip it if you want to. The battle scene is in the 5-7th paragraph.

Nott never liked killing. Most of the times, the only reason she hurt or killed others was because of self-defense.

This time was different. The soldier she was attacking had just knocked Caleb unconscious. He raised his sword above her boy, about to land the killing blow.

“NO!” Nott screamed as she shot her crossbow twice in succession. The first bolt hit his shoulder, the second, his hand, forcing him to let go of his sword. The man cried out, his sword clattering as it fell to the ground.

It was not enough. How dared that man hurt her boy? Hurting her was one thing, hurting Caleb was another thing altogether. Seeing red, she ran towards him. This time, she wanted to get close and personal. Besides, she also needed to put herself between this bastard and Caleb. She would not let him touch her boy.

Replacing her bow with the small dagger she kept, she snarled and jumped onto him. The soldier tried to bat her away, but she held on tight. Her lips tugged up in an ugly smile as she clung to him, his face within her reach. She raked his face with her razor sharp nails. For once, she was glad for her inhumane claw-like nails.

He cried out in pain, hands going to his face, trying to shield it from her. But she was not done. She pulled back the arrow that was lodged in his shoulder and drove it to his eye socket. He roared, hands going to the bolt sticking out of his eye. Then, she slashed his throat with the small dagger in his hand.

No shouts came out of the soldier’s mouth this time. Only gurgle and froth of blood. She jumped back before he fell to his ass. She watched, satisfied, as he struggled in his last moment. He would not live for long, the wounds she dealt him were too severe. And when he drew his last breath, she smiled. For once, hurting someone, killing someone brutally made satisfaction thrum in her veins.

She did not think much about it back then, the glee she felt as her enemy died. There was another matter more important to her: Caleb. She might have downed the soldier, but Caleb was still unconscious. All her thought now was focused on how to help him, making sure that he was alright.

She reached for Caleb, patting his ratty coat. She remembered he bought a healing potion when they were in town. Back then, she argued that they needed food more than a healing potion. But Caleb insisted, saying that they would need it if one of them -- Nott more likely -- got hurt. Right now, she was so glad for his caution.

She took the bottle. It almost slipped, her hands shaking so bad. She cursed before she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath to calm her pounding heart. She would not be any help to Caleb if she could not think clearly.

 _He’s fine_ , Nott thought. Panic almost overwhelmed her once again when she noticed the blood pooling under Caleb. _Well, he’s not, but he will be. He_ **will be** _._ Once she felt that her heart calm, her hands stopped shaking, she took out the stopper on the healing potion bottle. Slowly, gently, she poured the potion into Caleb’s mouth.

Once it was done, she waited, eyes glued to the torn clothes on Caleb’s side. She could not see it, but she knew there was an ugly stab wound hidden underneath. She stared, imagining the wound closing as the healing potion took effect.

It could not be long, but it felt forever had passed before Caleb’s eyes fluttered open. Nott sat on her hands so she would not throw herself onto him. She did not want to risk opening his wound again. So, she watched as he sat up with a groan.

“Nott?” he called her name when his eyes landed on her. That was when she scrambled to his lap, hand going to the side of his neck. He flinched, but he stayed still. Putting her hand on the side of his neck, she found his pulse. It beat strong. And she could breath easily once again.

“You’re okay,” she mumbled to herself.

Caleb put his hand on top of hers. “I’m okay.”

Nott closed her eyes, putting her forehead on his shoulder. For a moment, she was content to stay there. He was alive, she was alive. Everything was fine.

For now.

* * *

 

The night had fallen and they set up a camp. The first thing Caleb did was to pull out his silver cord and warded their chosen camping ground with Alarm.

“I’ll take the first watch,” she offered before he could say anything.

Caleb seemed to know there was no use in arguing. So, he simply said, “Wake me up when it’s my turn.” Nott hummed her agreement, even though she did not plan to. He was injured (even though it was healed), he needed the rest. And she did not think she could sleep anyway.

Caleb was watching her, seeming to be able to know what was in her mind. She stared right back at him. In the end, Caleb merely sighed and said nothing. He laid down in the middle of the ring of Alarm, Nott close to him. Tonight, they decided to not bother with a campfire. The night was not too cold and they did not want to catch another unwanted attention. They had used their one healing potion, they could not afford to get hurt now. _She_ could not watch Caleb get hurt again.

“Sleep,” Nott said because she could tell that Caleb was still awake even if his eyes were closed. “I won’t let anything hurt you,” she assured him, brushing his hair away from his face.

He opened one eye to look at her. “'m not a child,” he mumbled.

“Of course not.” But he did not protest either when she ran her hand through his hair. She watched the gentle rise and fall of his chest, and she felt calm. She did not like killing, it made her feel too much of a monster, but she did not regret killing the soldier either. He was about to kill Caleb. In her mind, there was no greater sin than that. To her, his death was justified.

But.

Glee and satisfaction. It was hazy, but she remembered feeling those wrong, wrong emotions as she tore into him.

She took a shaky breath. Killing because it was kill-or-be-killed situation was one thing, but to feel satisfaction for hurting others...

She did not think too much about how she felt back then. But now... Now there was no enemies left, Caleb was safe, and she was alone with her thoughts, she could not stop thinking about it. The mix of satisfaction and hatred in her chest when the soldier screamed and thrashed in pain.

For the first time, she was _happy_ to kill someone.

 _Does that make me a monster?_ she wondered, burying her face in her hands. _More of a monster than I already am?_

The wind whispered. The night was warm, yet she wrapped her arms around her stomach, shoulders hunched, as if she tried to protect herself. The idea of protecting herself almost made her laugh. She _was_ the monster. She was not supposed to protect herself. If someone hurt her, then she deserved it. In fact, she deserved --

"Nott."

Her train of thoughts screeched into a halt. She blinked, taken off guard. She had been so sure Caleb was asleep. “Caleb,” she said, because she did not know what else to say. She was glad that they did not start a campfire. It was dark, Caleb could not see her, just the way she wanted it. She did not want Caleb to see her like this. He said that it did not matter that she was a goblin, she was still his… friend? No, that was not the word he had used. Acquaintance. Yes, that was it.

But. Caleb did not see her. Not truly. If he saw her now, in her monstrous glory, she was sure he would leave him. And it might be selfish of her, but she wanted him to stay.

“Are you okay?” Caleb asked, sitting up now that he no longer pretended to be asleep.

She did not even bother to hide the incredulity she felt as looked at him. "I'm not the one with a hole in their belly," she pointed out, giving him a stink eye. In their brief acquaintanceship, she had told him time and time again, that he should stay AWAY from the front-line.

And he did. He was smart. He knew he was an easy target. So when the fighting started, he either hid or stayed as far away as possible from their enemies. But with their rotten luck, shit happened sometimes. Just like today, when that solder could get through her.

She opened her mouth, ready to remind him why it was a bad, bad, BAD idea to get in the thick of a fight when he raised his hand, quietly asking her to let him talk.

"The wound's already healed, but I'm sorry for making you worried. I'll be more careful next time," he said, making Nott huff as she grumbled, "You better be."

Nott thought that was the end of their discussion, that she was able to distract Caleb. She should have known he was too smart to fall for her simple distraction tactic.

“You haven’t answered my question.” Caleb’s words made her stiffen. "Are you okay, Nott?"

"Yes. Of course,” she rushed to answer. She tried to put a smile, though it felt more like a grimace. It did not matter anyway, she told herself, Caleb was a human, he could not see in the dark. And of course, that was when a globe of light came to life in his hand. Eyes widened, she recoiled. She felt exposed. She wanted to run. But she wanted to stay. Caleb was the first person who saw her as a… well, person and not a monster (even though she was.)

“Why won't I be?” her smile stretched even wider, though it still felt fake to her. “I'm alright. I'm fine. Perfectly. Never feel better. Especially now that you promised you'll be more careful." She knew she was rambling. It tended to happen when she tried to lie. She just hoped Caleb would not notice. They had not been together _that_ long, surely, Caleb did not learn her tell already?

From the way he frowned at her, it seemed he could notice her (bad, bad, bad) attempt at lying. "I'll change the question then," he said, "What troubles you?"

Nothing, she wanted to say as she opened her mouth. The word did not came out. She closed her mouth before opening it, trying to answer once again. Still, nothing came out. She frowned.

"Don't you trust me?" Caleb asked softly, blue eyes locked with hers.

Nott cursed him. Damn Caleb for being a manipulative bastard. He knew exactly what he had to say to make her cave. Her shoulders slumped, she kept her face down. She did not want to see when his acceptance of who she was turned into horror.

"When that soldier downed you,” she started, “I was so furious. I killed him." When Caleb said nothing, she added. "Brutally." her eyes flickered to his face, briefly, gauging how he felt. He stayed quiet, merely raised his eyebrows, as if to say, “And?”

She looked away, anywhere but his face, wondering if there was a way she could lie well enough to Caleb’s face. Then she looked back at him. It was a mistake. The earnest way he was looking at her, waiting patiently for her answer, it was her undoing.

"And I liked it!” she burst out, standing out. “For once, I was happy I was a goblin because it meant I could hurt him with my claws and my teeth! And when I hurt him, it was so satisfying. And when he was dead, I was glad for it!" She was watching Caleb's face, waiting for his expression to change into disgust or horrification. But instead, there was understanding in his blue eyes.

"Oh, _liebling_ ," he said in a breath as he pulled her into a hug. She tried to get away. She was dirty, could he not see that? She did not want to taint him with her ugliness. But he refused to let go. If she wanted to, she could push him away. He might be bigger than her, but she was stronger.

 _But do I want to?_ She asked herself. She realized she really did not. It might be selfish of her, but she did not want to push him away. She wanted to stay with him, the weird man who saw her as a person instead as a… thing. She went limp in his arms, no longer fighting his hold though she did not reciprocate it either.

"It didn't make you a monster." Caleb sounded so sure. Nott was looking at him with desperation in her yellow eyes. And she wanted to believe him, so badly. He was smart. And worldly. She wanted to believe that he knew what he was talking about. But a part of her could not help but doubted it.

"You don't know that!" she protested, pulling herself away from him, enough to look him in the eye, though he still had her in his hold. "I tried so hard to not be a goblin! To not be a monster! But I failed! I AM A MONSTER!"

"You're not, believe me." Caleb's voice was still so steady, his eyes calm. How he could do that, she had no idea, but she was glad for it. He was the only anchor she had amidst the storm of feelings she felt. "How do I know? Because I know a real monster, intimately. And trust me when I say this, you, _liebling_ , are not a monster." Then, he flashed her a smile, it was slight, but it was genuine. "Besides, it doesn’t matter if you’re a monster.” Nott frowned in bewilderment. How could it not matter? “I still,” he stumbled over his words. “I still care for you." Then his smile turned the slightest bit deprecating. "For what it's worth."

Her eyes started to water, her lower lip wobbled. She blinked furiously so the tears would not fall. But her effort was futile. The tears fell and she let out a choked sob. The dam burst. She started to cry in earnest.

She must look ugly, the thought appeared, unbidden, in the back of her mind. She was always ugly, she knew that, but at this time, as she wailed, she must be even uglier than usual. And yet, Caleb did not hesitate to pull her into another hug, not caring that she was wetting the front of his coat with her tears and snot and gods knew what else.

He did not try to hush her, he just made a circle motion on her back with his hand, and patting her hair with the other. It was a little awkward, his movement was stilted, as if he was not used to comforting others. It did not matter to Nott. This was the first time in a long while that someone touched her to  _comfort_ her instead of hurting her.

After what felt like eternity, though it could not be more than ten minutes, her crying tapered off. Tears were still trickling down her cheeks, but they were less frequent. She sniffled, pulling away from him. She wiped her tears with the back of her hands. When she looked up at him, there was nothing but empathy in his eyes.

Caleb claimed to be a not good person. He was a good liar. She should remember that.

"Better, _schatz_?" he asked, wiping the remaining tears on her cheek with his thumb oh-so-gently.

She nodded. “Thank you.” her voice broke in the middle. Her only answer was a small smile. For a moment, they stayed there, content to be in each other’s presence. “Caleb, you won’t leave me, right? Please, don’t leave me.” she pleaded. She sounded pathetic even to her own ears, but she could not care less about it.

“Only if you don’t leave me.”

“No. Never,” she vowed. “Wherever you go, I follow.”

“Then I guess, we’re stuck together.”

**Author's Note:**

> Second CritRole fic. I hope I don't butcher Nott and Caleb's characters. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the relationship between those two. Anyone remember the not-exactly-healthy codependency between Caleb and Nott? Yeah. I imagine there is a prelude to that. 
> 
> If Caleb seems way too tender here. I imagine he is trying to manipulate Nott, trying to make her depend on him. Only later on, he comes to care for her genuinely. (Silly wizard tripping all over his own feelings.)
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated. Even if I take too long to reply or sometimes don't reply at the comments at all. Because the idea of replying sometimes makes me nervous for whatever reason.


End file.
